Big Picture Big Sound

You all know that I see a lot of movies. I spend a lot of time - way too much time, in fact - in movie theaters. For those of you who get to the movies only on occasion - say, when the new "Harry Potter" comes out, or when that new Adam Sandler vehicle hits theaters - you might not notice. But for me, and those of my ilk, going to the movies is worse than it's ever been. At this point I can say without hyperbole that I'd be fine never setting foot in a theater again.

Now, keep in mind that my feelings are compounded by my love for my home theater system. It's possible, were I to have some 12" tube TV with tin can speakers, that I might be willing to bear the torture of the local multiplex. But as it stands right now, if I could watch every movie in the comfort of my own home, I would happily do so.

All these feelings were exacerbated by a recent experience seeing "The Fountain" at my local theater. This was, again without exaggeration, the worst movie-going experience I've ever had. Yes, this tops all my examples in "Silence is Foldin". It was like a perfect storm of idiocy. And, dear reader, I need to share.

For those of you who've seen or read about "The Fountain", you know it's a tough movie. This isn't "Deck the Halls". It actually requires some degree of concentration and, dare I say it, intellect (maybe we should require a license to go see a movie in public). So it requires a bit of finesse on the part of the theater. It requires those key ingredients faithful readers will remember from "Theaters of the Absurd": comfort, darkness, silence, sound and picture. I know, I know - that's a lot to ask from movie theaters nowadays.

Don't get me wrong, though, this recent travesty wasn't entirely the fault of the movie theater (AMC Loews Kips Bay 15, for those of you wondering). However, this first bit was…

Tickets, please
You won't be surprised to hear that I arrived at the theater my typical twenty minutes before the show. Having ordered my tickets in advance (again, no surprise there), I printed out the Fandango receipt and, as it says on the print-out, went straight to the ticket taker. Folks, it was like I handed her some kind of strange Martian parchment. She took it, turned it upside down and back again, and then finally informed me that Theater 2 wasn't opened yet. Apparently, they were still cleaning it from the last showing. Since it was now 15 minutes before the show, I was surprised to hear that, but I decided to kill some time at the concession stand.

"Concession" is right
I got on the shorter of the two lines only to be informed that the counter I chose was closing. I moved to the sole remaining line and, after there was no movement from anyone behind the counter, decided to venture into Theater 2 to see how the cleaning was going. Sure enough, the theater was packed with people. I don't know why the ticket taker said what she did, maybe she was confounded by the Fandango receipt, but I'm glad I didn't listen to her in the end or I might not have gotten a seat at all.

Better never than late
Now came a familiar sight: the previews ended and the movie started to roll, so it's now 15 minutes past the published start time of the film. Amazingly, there are still people filtering into the theater. I call these people "The Wanderers". You know the type. They think they're being stealthy as they stand off to the side and scan the crowd, occasionally stage-whispering, "Is that one free? Ex…excuse me, is that one free?"

I have no idea what goes on in the heads of The Wanderers, but see "Don't Be Surprised" for more on that. Here's the thing, folks: you're 15 minutes late. The movie has started. Everyone else is sitting and trying to enjoy themselves. Guess what? You're gonna need to sit up front. You don't like it? Set your watch 15 minutes earlier.

During "The Fountain", one Wanderer, not to be outdone, decided to hover in the aisle on the left side of the theater, as if someone were going to spontaneously combust and free up a seat for her. She also managed to align herself just perfectly in the peripheral vision of my row. There's a nice distraction, thanks.

You can't plan something like this
About 10 minutes into the film (so we're at 25 minutes past the start time now), there's a dramatic moment when "The Fountain" goes completely silent. As if by some mystical force, at that exact moment, someone's phone rang in the front row. It was cosmic. The timing was perfect.

Any writer/director will tell you how important the first 10 minutes of a story are. We can thank this guy for not paying attention to the multiple "Silence Your Cell Phone" commercials and adding his own soundtrack to the film. Honestly, what does it take?!

"Oh my god, it's full of stars"
After sporadic shouts of "Shut it off!" and "Jesus Christ" (I swear, none of them were from me), many of the audience members decided they too had better confirm the state of their phone's ringers. As they each took out their phones to check, it was like a thousand points of light appearing all around me. That was sweet. That really added to the atmosphere of the film. Particularly during the scenes set in the 16th century.

It got even better when - since cellphone manufacturers insist on attaching annoying bleeps and warbles to every interaction - there was a whole chorus of "shutdown sounds" reverberating from all around me.

At this point, by the way, that last hovering Wanderer finally decided to sit down - guess where? - in the front row. Big freakin' shocker.

Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you
Like I said, "The Fountain" is a tough movie. It's not everyone's cup of tea. I know this for a fact because the guy and girl sitting next to me insisted on whispering to each other about how bored they were getting. Happily, after about 30 minutes, they decided to leave. Sadly, they had to disturb a guy with a huge Macy's shopping bag at his feet which, any of you who have shopped will know, makes a bit of noise when you have to move it in a quiet theater.

Once the Bored Couple left, the Shopper replaced his bag and everyone calmed down.

But wait, we're not done yet. Just then, two industrious souls in the front row realized that two prime seats had opened next to me. So, guess what? They walked back to my row, made the Shopper move his bag again and settled in next to me.

Okay. Can I watch the movie now?
At that point, it was about 45 minutes into the movie. With the exception of yet another phone ringing, things had pretty much calmed down. And it only took half the film's running time to do it.

I'm starting to think requiring a license to attend a public screening isn't such a bad idea. I mean, seriously people, what the heck does it take to get somewhere on time, shut off your cell phone and sit quietly?! It doesn't sound like such a tall order, but it seems patently impossible for a large percentage of the human race.

I, for one, have had it. I'm a film-lover, I see movies constantly and I want an alternative. I think it's time for legal downloading of movies on opening day. None of this waiting three months crap. Give me access to the movie as soon as it hits the theaters. Let me download it, watch it, and then you can delete it. I don't want to keep it, copy it, distribute it - I don't need any of that stuff. I just want to stay away from these horrendous movie theaters.

CinemaNow, Movielink, Vongo, iTunes, whoever: I'm begging you! Find a way to distribute movies on the day they're released in theaters. I would happily pay a premium to never set foot in one of these places again. Just show me where to sign.