Big Picture Big Sound

I'm always amused when I see people fall victim to classic movie-going blunders. Invariably a look of surprise comes across their faces as if it's the last possible thing they could have imagined would happen. It's akin to walking down the sidewalk, stumbling over some unseen obstacle and then looking behind you as if to say, "Whoa, look at the size of that invisible thing I tripped over!"

For example, you walk into a theater on opening night, five minutes into the previews, and you find that the only available seats are a foot and a half from the screen. You then turn around and look out into the audience, all snug in their seats, and put on this face as if to say, "I can't believe 'Harry Potter' would sell out like this!"

To all of you out there, whoever you are - maybe you're easily amazed, maybe you don't get to the theater often, heck maybe it's your first time out of the house - to all of you I say, "don't be surprised."

As it turns out, movie theaters have existed for years, and there is a certain predictable routine that occurs every time a movie is shown. So, to help combat that feeling of astonishment when the theater audience seems to know something you don't, here's a handy guide to help navigate the treacherous waters of going to a movie in public:

1. Come early. Here's how it works, folks: movie times are printed in various publications readily available to the general public. Newspapers, 777-FILM, fandango.com, and of course the box office itself. In fact, it's fair to say it's hard to avoid knowing when a movie starts. Prior to that start time, you're supposed to show up and find a seat. See, that's the time when the lights in the theater are on so that you don't have to bother the fine patrons who have taken it upon themselves to function properly in society. So, if you walk into a theater and find that everyone's staring at the big white rectangle in front of them with all the lights dancing on it, don't be surprised if you can't find a good seat.
   


2. Sitting together is a privilege not a right. So you've ignored #1 and are now frantically searching for seats as the movie begins. As a last resort, it is sadly acceptable practice to ask the members of a row to adjust their seating so that two adjacent seats may free up. I understand that it's just being polite and I do not want theaters to institute reserved seating, so I'm happy to move if asked. However, don't be surprised if - even with all those rearranging skills you've culled from years of playing Tetris - there are no seats available together. It's distinctly possible you and your companion might have to sit at opposite ends of the auditorium. And, you know what, that's okay. Deal with it. You can talk about the movie afterwards. If you want to avoid this problem, please re-read #1.
   


3. Never leave your wingman. So you've come early enough to find two seats together? Fantastic, you're almost there. However, if you've made the mistake of sending your companion into the theater to procure seats while you answer nature's call or buy popcorn, or both, don't be surprised if you can't find your friend when you move from the fluorescent glow of the concession parlor to the pitch blackness of the theater. Avoiding this problem couldn't be simpler: find seats together, then go out and take care of business. If you do find yourself in this unfortunate circumstance, I submit to you that calling out your friend's name is simply not an option. Just stand in front and hope your companion is alert enough to signal you. And simply deal with the mocking that you've earned from the crowd.
   


4. You may be asked to stop acting like yourself. Here's a favorite. For all those people out of whose mouths wisdom drips like gold. For all of you who have pearls of insight to impart about every scene in a movie, and must do it during the film, don't be surprised if you're asked to shut your cake-hole. The same goes for those of you who are bewildered by those pretty pictures dancing on screen and need to ask your companion to explain each scene immediately. Don't be surprised if you're told to return to the world of silent confusion that each day must be for you. Look, I didn't go out onto a golf course until I'd taken lessons; if movies are so mystifying to you, practice watching a few at home first.
   

So there you have it. Four simple steps gleaned from years and years of public movie viewing. Now obviously, with all the time I spend in the theater, this is a topic that's near and dear to my heart. But remember, I'm not doing this for myself; I'm attempting to enhance your movie-going experience. Your fellow patrons will certainly thank you for it and you might just have a better time yourself. And, don't forget, if all else fails, there's no shame in staying the heck at home. Now that, truly, would be a surprise.