If you've read some of my previous editorials - particularly
"Don't Be Surprised" - you're aware that I'm a firm advocate of arriving early for movies. Especially if you're daring to go to the theater on opening night; it's required that you plan to be there at least a half hour in advance of the start time if you plan to have even a remotely enjoyable evening.
Today's article is not about you, the movie-goer. I'm going to assume you've heard my pleas and are onboard with the idea of getting to the theater early. No, this article is aimed at the theater owners. My friends, we're all trying to accomplish the same thing here: fun at the movies. So why oh why, I ask, must we be punished for arriving early by being forced to endure the most banal, vapid programming before the movie starts? I'd rather you show nothing at all; I'd rather sit in silence.
As horrible as it is, at this point in human history, we've all accepted that advertising is going to be part of the movie-going experience. Remember the days when there was an uproar over the idea that the theater might show
one Coke commercial before the movie? When theaters first announced that, I thought there would be riots! "I just paid $10 to watch commercials?! What am I paying for?!" Somewhere along the way, however, we got complacent. We stopped complaining, and the theater owners realized they could sneak more and more ads past the goalie.
So, sadly, yes, ads before the movie are here to stay. But I'm actually not even complaining about that. Typically, there are maybe two or three full-fledged commercials before the previews come on (and, no, I will never,
ever buy a "Fanta", thank you very much). But my problem isn't with those ads. It's with the other twenty minutes of filler that have started to become commonplace in theaters. The most egregious offender is AMC Theater's Screenvision (more like "Scream-vision", as in "It makes me wanna…"). A recent installment features some "boho" artist-type in a black turtleneck and beret, sitting in front of conga drums introducing the next song by "Gloria Estefan and her machine that makes sound." Who the hell is writing this stuff? And on what planet of advertising genius did that insipid line seem like humor?
Theater owners, I beseech you: due to the massive lines that form at the opening night shows, it's mandatory that we, the audience, show up early. Please don't punish us with this brainless drivel. You're all but
forcing us to watch movies at home where we have control over what we see. Why not bring back those "scramblers" so I can guess who "OMT HANSK" is. Or the trivia challenges immortalized in SNL's "Lazy Sunday" rap ("What 'Friends' alum co-starred with Bruce Willis?" Why, Matthew Perry, of course).
We're already in the theater. As we say in the advertising world, you have the "eye balls". Use that; show us something interesting. I don't know why I'm the first one to think of this, but doesn't an obvious answer seem to be to show more previews. We're in a theater after all. We obviously like going to the movies, so how about letting us know what we have to look forward to. Then you could actually start the movie on time so we can get out on time. Who knows, you may actually even get more people to come to your shows early! Now there's a novel idea. Why didn't I think of that?
