Big Picture Big Sound

Frequent readers will have heard me say this before: I see a lot of movies. I average about five per week (do the math, that's a lot). It may sound contradictory, but I have to say I dread going to the movies. I would much rather watch a movie on my own home theater system then gamble away my $10 on the off chance that I'll have an enjoyable night in a movie theater.

I'm not talking about problems with the theater itself (for an explanation of this concern see my article "Theaters of the Absurd"). No, I'm talking about the behavior of my fellow moviegoers. Present company excluded, I'm sure.

Here are four examples in the last month of thoughtless, obnoxious, uncaring movie patrons who have ruined otherwise good films for their fellow customers. Four in the last month! With those odds, it's a pretty good bet your local movie theater is not worth attending.

• "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" - I understand that staring down the barrel of a two-and-a-half hour film can be daunting. Sometimes, just the thought of 150-plus minutes will trigger an irrational urge to use the restroom. So I have no problem with a quick run to the facilities before the movie starts. But, here's the thing: do it before the movie starts! There are plenty of previews and commercials that don't require your presence. Make that the time.
  
  Opening day of the fourth Harry Potter film was a madhouse, of course. So my friends and I took the time to get to the theater a half hour early. We secured our seats and took care of whatever needed to be taken care of before the film began.
  
  As the house lights dimmed, one of the two people next to us got up to use the bathroom. I know this is what he was doing because he announced it to his friend. The commercials came and went. The previews came and went. The guy did not return.
  
  Literally 30 seconds into the film, he came back and sat down loudly wondering what he had missed. After his friend explained that the film had just started, he further inquired about the images on screen, "is this a graveyard?" It was.
  
  This line of questioning continued until me and some fellow patrons finally threw him a "Shhhh!"



• "History of Violence" - I don't think I left David Cronenberg's meditation on violence with exactly the kind of feeling that the director anticipated. Yes, I felt I understood violence a little better, but not because of the film; it was because of the meatheads sitting behind me.
  
  This small, thoughtful film did a respectable, but not bristling business, so the theater wasn't too full. But just behind me and to the left sat a hulking, thick-necked bruiser and his plastic, trophy girlfriend no doubt thinking, from the title, that there would be plenty of slam-bang shoot-'em-ups in the movie. They were sorely disappointed. So was I, but for different reasons.
  
  The vapid, MTV-ready couple insisted on joking to each other about every scene in the film. And though their quips were aimed at each other, they were easily loud enough for all to hear. And when they couldn't think of something funny to say, the bargain basement Hulk would let out a long, loud sigh to insure that everyone knew he was bored. This went on and on and no amount of neck-craning glances made them stop.
  
  When it was all over, they made sure to declare that the movie "sucked". They were right about that: thanks to them, it sure did.



• "Walk the Line" - I have no problems going to films alone. I particularly enjoy it on Sunday or Monday nights when the theater tends to be less crowded. The Sunday night this Johnny Cash biopic opened was still pretty crowded, but I was happy that the two seats next to me were free. As the lights dimmed, I settled in to watch the film when, of course, a couple showed up to take those seats. I don't have a problem with that, per se. It's what followed that got to me.
  
  Apparently, the woman in the couple had never seen a movie before. She found it necessary to ask questions about each and every scene in the film. Honestly, I kid you not. Not a scene went by that didn't prompt some comment to her male companion, who responded with a thorough explanation of the preceding events and a kiss on the hand. He was clearly dating above his station and wanted to keep her happy.
  
  I did the "look over" to inform them that I could hear every word of their inane conversation - particularly when they had to talk loudly to be heard above the concert scenes.
  
  Eventually, the guy saw me and said "sorry".
  
  But then, amazingly, nothing changed. Literally nothing. I would expect at least a cursory decrease in volume, but no. Everything proceeded exactly as it had before.
  
  Finally, I had to say something again, "Could you keep it down, please."
  
  Again, "sorry". And again, no change.
  
  At this point, I just shifted my weight to the other side and rode out the film.



• "Syriana" - this one is my favorites due to the sheer lengths this person had to go to in order to disrupt her fellow patrons:
  
  Opening weekend of Stephen Gaghan's sprawling ensemble film was packed. I sat third row from the front in New York's famed Angelika Film Center (it's nickname "An-smell-ika" is well-deserved, so I was already unhappy to be there). A woman sat in one of the two free seats next to me and awaited her companion. As the previews rolled she continually shifted and turned around to see if her friend had arrived. Finally, as the film began (of course), she spotted him wandering aimlessly down the aisle. Why he couldn't have come earlier, I don't know.
  
  Freeman, was his name. I know this because, failing to get his attention, she needed to shout at him. The kind people in the row behind me also helped out. When Freeman made his way down to the aisle, it got even better. He handed his friend a cup of hot chocolate, said "you bought me a senior ticket, I can't stay," and walked away.
  
  Freeman's friend was left confused.
  
  "What? What did he say?" she asked to no one in particular.
  
  She then left her hot chocolate in the cup holder in the seat next to me (tell me you don't see this coming) asking a man in the seat behind her to "watch it". She covered both seats with her coat and left the row to find him.
  
  Keep in mind the movie had been playing for five minutes now.
  
  After about five more minutes she returned with Freeman, their ticketing issues apparently resolved. Freeman entered the row first, pushing past me and quickly grabbing the coats off the seats causing the hot chocolate to spill along the seats and theater wall. This, of course, caused even more commotion.
  
  Apologies were thrown around and, despite the soaked seats and cocoa smell, everyone settled in to watch a serious movie about corruption in the global oil economy, missing the first fifteen minutes.

What can we do about this trend? Well, the obvious answer is to say something. Typically, it's an escalating series of actions:

1. The "look over": an exaggerated turn of the head meant to inform the offending party that you can hear them. Usually accompanied by a disapproving glance/furrowed brow.


2. The "Shhh": an all-purpose non-committal plea for silence. Requires little personal interplay between parties.


3. Saying something: this is the tough one. If numbers 1 and 2 have not gotten through to the person, it comes down to expressing your displeasure verbally. The tricky part here comes from the frustration you've been choking back for a some non-trivial amount of time. Any attempt to engage the offending party in conversation may result in a war of words and you don't want to find yourself the cause of exactly the kind of distraction you're trying to avoid. It's best to have a prepared sentence or two at your disposal. Be polite even though this Luddite certainly doesn't deserve your courtesy. Here are a few suggestions:
   
   • "Excuse me, could you please keep it down?"
   
   
   • "Would you lower your voice please?"
   
   
   • "Excuse me but that's very distracting."
   
   
   • "Do you mind, we can hear you. Thanks."
   
   

And now the test: do they actually change their behavior. There is always the off chance that they will become indignant and pick a fight. In which case, since this person is clearly an adolescent, playground rules apply: ignore them. Sadly, as with my "Walk the Line" experience, there is also the possibility that nothing will change. At this point, I leave it up to you. You are certainly within your rights to call an Usher. There is also the happy chance that the offender will be horrified by their own behavior, shut their trap and never leave the house again. We can only hope.

Even if they do quiet down, though, your movie has been ruined by this thoughtless jerk. And, no, I'm not being overly dramatic. There is no reason at all that you needed to spend five or more minutes of your ninety minute movie teaching someone else how to behave. That should not need to happen. That was the job of their parents. Somewhere along the line, that got lost.

What has happened to the fine art of consideration for your fellow human beings? People have seemingly forgotten how to take other people into account. I'm not talking about the cliché of why black people tend to shout in theaters (as chronicled in the Ralph Wiley book of the same name, and many an Eddie Murphy routine). This problem goes way beyond racial stereotypes. This issue is culturally pervasive. I think it's a lack of accountability. From a young age, no one is held accountable for their actions anymore. Everywhere children look, from their parents to teachers to employers - right up to the President of the good ol' U.S. of A. - everyone is passing the buck to someone else. And the worst part is we, the victims, feel bad for having to say something. What are we so afraid of? Speak up! Remember, you are in the right.

Of course, I haven't even touched on the cell phone problem. How difficult is to remember to silence your phone? When you sit down at a movie, think to yourself, "I'm in a theater with hundreds of people who have paid their hard-earned money to see a show, I need to be quiet." I know it hurts your ego to think you can't do anything you want but, guess what!, in a polite, human society, you can't. You need to take your fellow man into account or you're nothing. You're an animal. It takes virtually no time at all to turn off your cell phone, sit back and be quiet. Yet some people can't do it. They physically can't. They are so important and have so much to say that they need to make sure they're heard. It's preposterous. Don't be one of those people.

Like any other movement for change, though, the best that you can do it start with yourself. Don't talk in the movies. And turn off your cell phones. Save the movie-going experience. You can make a difference.