SOMEHOW WE FIND OURSELVES in late February, with yet another Academy Awards weekend looming up ahead. This is the time of year when most film fans have their attention on high-profile, high-achieving releases that have thus far triumphed and/or are continuing to vie for accolades in the annual awards season. But here at BPBS we're all too aware that the beginning of the calendar year is also a regular dumping ground for films at the other end of the quality spectrum: the misfits, the lazy shots, the questionable stuff that studios are now regretting but still need to get out the door. In the spirit of that aspect of the season, we spent some time digging through our voluminous and varied library of reviews to shine a spotlight on some of BPBS's lowest-rated films of years past.
With all of the films the BPBS review team has covered over the years it seems safe to say that, happily, there have been more hits than misses. But for every "Shakespeare in Love," "Million Dollar Baby," "Birdman," or "Nomadland," we've had to sit through plenty of fare that runs the gamut from merely acceptable to thankfully forgettable. We're talking about well-meaning near misses ("Punch-Drunk Love," "Saving Mr. Banks," "The Beguiled"), nobody-asked-for-this sequels ("Fast X," "The Mummy Returns," "Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem"), and more ill-conceived horror outings than any one reviewer should have to trek through in a lifetime ("The Amityville Murders," "Sinister 2," "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters," and ugh, a truly icky remake of "A Nightmare on Elm Street").
Luckily we've been able to spread out the good, the bad, and the ugly across a mighty band of contributors over the years; though one of our more stalwart reviewers did admittedly get saddled with so many duds he eventually earned the moniker "The January Man" - partly a nod to that poorly reviewed 1989 film, but primarily in rueful homage to the industry's aforementioned tendency to dump its dreck in, yes, January.
We've always tried to salvage something from even the most bafflingly terrible viewing experiences (see, for example, the end of the "Fast X" review linked above for a list of the increasingly punny review titles we've been delighted to bestow on the "Fast/Furious" franchise over the years) so you'll find sharp critiques leavened with a healthy dose of humor in the reviews below. We've pulled some choice quotes, and linked the full review in each excerpt; they're loosely grouped by category and presented in no particular order. Let's be honest: we didn't enjoy these films, but hope you'll have fun revisiting them with us!
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Haphazard Action
Getaway (2013) ½ star SUMMARY: The hardest thing to believe about this idiotic crash-porn excuse of a movie is that Ethan Hawke agreed to do it.
Reviewer: Mark Grady
"Ethan Hawke, your wife has been taken. Agree to be in our movie or you will never see her again." That's pretty much how the pitch meeting for "Getaway" must have gone, because there's absolutely no other explanation for why he possibly could have agreed to star in this idiotic crash-porn excuse of a movie. To be sure, every actor has his fair share of payday movies (and in the case of Nicolas Cage, far more than his fair share) but it's hard to imagine that a production with a target audience composed solely of J.G. Ballard could afford to write a check with a whole lot of zeros on it."
Troy (2005) 1 star SUMMARY: Brad Pitt and a mis-cast of thousands drive a spear into Hollywood's recent fascination with sword-and-sandal epics. Let's hope they get ‘em through the heel.
Reviewer: Joe Lozito
"I can see what Brad Pitt was going for (in "Troy"). He wants to make Achilles a modern hero. He fails. It's that simple. Pitt isn't a bad actor, but he is an eminently modern actor. His voice, mannerisms, face, everything about him is modern southern California. Every time he speaks, you long for another battle scene. So misguided is this rendering of Achilles that when he is finally shot in the heel (if this is a spoiler then you should run out and see the film immediately) it holds no significance at all."
Punisher: War Zone (2008) No stars SUMMARY: Disproving the old adage "third time's the charm," this mess doesn't even deserve a straight-to-video release.
Reviewer: Mark Grady
"...the acting actually manages to take ("Punisher: War Zone"'s) mundane script down a peg or two. Apparently seeking to emulate such screen luminaries as Dolph Lundgren and Thomas Jane, Ray Stevenson, who did commendable work on HBO's "Rome" series, gives us a Frank Castle so wooden that it is completely impossible to care a whit about what has or will happen to him. The only thing about his performance that leaps off the screen is his obvious sense of boredom which, while justifiable considering the material, doesn't do much to pull the audience into the action. On a stranger note, the entire cast seems to be in some sort of competition to see who could come up with the strangest and most inappropriate accent including, but not limited to, Boston, New York, Italian, and a (possibly) Jamaican with a (possibly) Scottish brogue. [For the record, my vote goes to the Jamaican.]
The Tax Collector (2020) 1 star SUMMARY: This gritty snapshot of middle management in the LA gang scene comes across like the unwanted child of "Wall Street" and "Scarface."
Reviewer: Stuart Shave
"The Tax Collector" can't seem to locate its narrative logic or tone for the balance of the runtime. It is just a series of escalating sequences of violence and brutality and maybe reincarnation? The payoff to ‘Chekov's Rival Gang Member' later in the story is absurd, while the ACTUAL ‘Chekov's Gun' never really sees any payoff at all. Most frustratingly, all the open warfare hides the most compelling conflict of the film's story: the one between David and his place in this world. Rather, it only appears directly in the denouement. Like I said, this one's off the rails."
Sci-Fi Misfires
After Earth (2013) ½ star SUMMARY: What do you get the kid who has everything? His own movie franchise.
Reviewer: Mark Grady
"Will Smith is rapidly redefining the term "resting on his laurels." With an upcoming shooting schedule silly with numerals ("I, Robot 2," "Hancock 2," "Bad Boys 3") he has obviously surrendered to the paycheck, which is understandable give its size, but there is a difference between sins of omission and commission. Unwisely claiming a story credit on "After Earth," he makes it clear that this whole affair is his fault from the inception. A clearly desperate M. Night Shyamalan, who rode his one trick pony to death years ago, not only managed to find someone to hire him as a director but also gets a screenplay credit, presumably for "punching up" the script by post-apocalyptic writer Gary Whitta ("The Book of Eli"). Sadly, none of these three chose to bring to the table the vaguest notion of science, reality, pacing, drama, or, really, filmmaking."
Repo Men (2010) ½ star SUMMARY: Grisly, humorless and over-long, this sci-fi thriller about the repossession of artificial organs isn't nearly as interesting, clever or original as it wants to be.
Reviewer: Joe Lozito
"A friend of mine in the construction business recently reminded me, you can't even repossess a kitchen cabinet once it's been installed, but in the future of "Repo Men," it makes sense to rip out a used organ and kill the delinquent owner. Of course, I'm trying to inject some logic into a film that requires your disbelief not only to be suspended but repossessed entirely."
Riddick (2013) 1 star SUMMARY: As you're watching this third Riddick installment, you can actually feel the character's potential being wasted, along with precious minutes of your time.
Reviewer: Joe Lozito
"The franchise continues to overestimate the importance of this character by seating the entire film on his shoulders (did they learn nothing from "Pitch Black"?). It's no wonder the character has found most success in the video game industry since he's more of a conduit for mayhem than story. Aside from his strength and photosensitive eyes, Riddick's only ability seems to be surrounding himself with predictable villains then ushering them to their well-earned destruction. I mean, really, the guy needs to start hanging out with a better group of friends."
Lockout (2012) ½ star SUMMARY: This sci-fi throwback evokes outer space only by feeling cold, empty, and endless.
Reviewer: Mark Grady
"("Lockout"'s) single biggest failing is that there is no sense of danger, urgency, or investment in any of the characters. The actors do little more than go through the motions, but then again the script offers them few options. Mr. Pearce throws around cocky one-liners like Bruce Willis at an evil genius convention, and Ms. Grace hits all the required marks as the underestimated spoiled rich girl, but their admittedly enjoyable byplay is all the script has to offer. There's no plausible ticking-clock and the ending is never in doubt - except for the fact that it completely defies everything that every schoolchild knows about suborbital re-entry."
Comedies we laughed at, but not in a good way
Big Gold Brick (2022) ½ star SUMMARY: This supposed dark comedy starts by throwing together a bunch of ideas stolen from other directors and ends up a mess.
Reviewer: David Kempler
"Hey! Anyone out there want to see a truly bad movie? It might even be too bad to qualify as "so bad it's good." You never know - but it's tough to envision ("Big Gold Brick") ever becoming a cult classic... Most of the film is a peek back into the past where Sam, a very successful author, is recounting his time spent with Floyd. In the past, Sam is somehow a more obnoxious version of Bobcat Goldthwait at his most obnoxious. In the present, he is less obnoxious, but not by a whole lot."
Larry Crowne (2011) 1 star SUMMARY: Sadly, the presence of Tom Hanks isn't the guarantee of quality that it used to be.
Reviewer: Mark Grady
"The long-and-short is that "Larry Crowne" is a complete mess. Mr. Hanks seems unsure of how to play the character, vacillating between 10 IQ points north of Forrest Gump and 20 south of Will Hunting, making it extremely hard to identify with or like him. Julia Roberts is equally uneven, thought to be fair, playing an unhappy character deprives her of the use of her famous 10 (or is it 100?) megawatt smile, or her piercing peals of laughter, which is rather like looking to Taylor Lautner to play a character that keeps his shirt on."
Horrible Horror
The Apparition (2012) ½ star SUMMARY: The only scary thing about this DOA horror attempt is that it ever got made.
Reviewer: Joe Lozito
"What "The Apparition" is, in reality, is a rare thing: a completely inept horror movie. And this is not a subjective judgement. Speaking strictly quantitatively: there is absolutely nothing to recommend about this film. In fact, "The Apparition" may solely be notable for being the second film this summer to prominently feature a Costco (it was used to much greater effect in "The Watch").
The Snowman (2017) ½ star SUMMARY: This movie? It's bad. We're cutting right to the chase... and wishing the filmmakers had done the same.
Reviewer: Lora Grady
"Holy hell, this is a mess of a movie. It's hard to know where to start. Is it the aggressively confusing storyline? The leaden mise-en-scene? The tendency of well-regarded actors to drop in for passages that are more than cameos but don't quite tally up to main cast billing, leading to the impression that a substantial chunk of "The Snowman" still lurks on the proverbial cutting room floor? Really: how is it that Chloe Sevigny has two roles here - she's playing twins, though this does absolutely nothing to advance the plot - and still manages to end up with less than 10 minutes of screen time?"
The Fog (2005) No stars SUMMARY: This incoherent mess of a remake is exactly the type of movie for which the zero-star rating was invented. Avoid this one at all costs.
Reviewer: Joe Lozito
""The Fog" seems to have no interest in entertaining its audience and only a mild concern for coherence. There's not a single moment in the film to recommend. So devoid of creativity is this movie that the fog announces its arrival with four really loud knocking sounds. Screw the little cat's feet, this fog's out for blood."
Van Helsing (2004) No stars SUMMARY: It turns out writer-director Stephen Sommers' noisy mess of a monster movie has a lot to do with one of its stars: like Count Dracula, it sucks.
Reviewer: Joe Lozito
""Van Helsing" doesn't contain one ounce of good dialogue, characterization or humor. Even the acting is sub-par for this genre. Hugh Jackman does what he can to make the titular monster hunter tortured. After creating an entertainingly complex Wolverine in the "X-Men" series, Jackman should be able to phone in this performance and while he does to some extent, the script doesn't give him anything to work with. Richard Roxburgh's Dracula comes off more as a vampire Pee Wee Herman than anything frightening or even compelling. And, of course, like all modern adaptations of the Dracula story, "Van Helsing" needs its own pronunciation of the Count's name. In this case it's "Vladislaus Dra-goooo-lia." Whatever."
We're not sure what these were, we just know we didn't like them
The Dark Tower (2017) 1 star SUMMARY: This film version of Stephen King's multi-volume epic throws viewers in at the deep end. If you haven't read the books you'll likely be lost. If you have read the books you won't fare much better.
Reviewer: Lora Grady
"...where Mr. Elba chooses restraint, Mr. McConaughey takes the opposite tack. His hammy Man in Black is all unmotivated menace as he bullies the minions in his sci-fi lair or stalks the streets of NYC, waving his hand and issuing death sentences. He's a villain with an utter lack of regard for life, whose goal is the destruction of multiple worlds, the rending of the very universe, but (in "The Dark Tower") we are never provided with a single why."
Inheritance (2020) ½ star SUMMARY: A very unusual inheritance leads to one of the most unbelievable films I've ever seen - in a bad way.
Reviewer: David Kempler
"The only conclusion I can draw from "Inheritance" is that every single character is someone you're better off never meeting. Everyone is a dirtbag. Even worse, they behave in ways that either make no sense or that demonstrate how stupid they are. Yet, we're supposed to believe that they're all brilliant and successful. If you ever attend a reading of a will, pray that you don't inherit a copy of this film."
Life Itself (2018) ½ star SUMMARY: This false, mawkish, and unabashedly contrived offering from Dan Fogelman (creator of TV's This is Us) boasts a bevvy of famous faces but not much else.
Reviewer: Matt Passantino
""Life Itself" comes from Dan Fogelman, who seems to think it serves some kind of purpose. Instead, it's a movie in search of a meaning. It's not spoiling anything to say that these types of ensemble films have some kind of intertwining storyline, and Fogelman's script takes every obvious route possible while failing to build any dramatic momentum on its slow march to inevitability."
Ghost Rider (2007) 1 star SUMMARY: A superhero movie starring Nicolas Cage as a motorcycle-riding avenger with a flaming skull for a head. About as interesting as it sounds.
Reviewer: Joe Lozito
"(In "Ghost Rider") Johnny (accidentally, I think) agrees to sell his soul for his father's life and, as is always the case in these situations, it's only a matter of time before ol' Mephistopheles comes to collect. Once he does, Johnny (now played by Mr. Cage, looking a bit too old for these roles) develops the power to painfully transform into the titular character - sort of like Skeletor from the He-Man series, but on fire and riding a motorcycle."
Hardcore Henry (2015) 1 star SUMMARY: This first person shoot-em-up is all concept and no execution.
Reviewer: Matt Passantino
""Hardcore Henry" is essentially watching someone play a video game for 96 minutes. At least when you are watching your friends play games, you can talk and laugh a bit but as movie theater protocol dictates, this is not acceptable. So for 96 long minutes, you must sit and take in the sensory overload of "Hardcore Henry." The entire film is built on the first-person gimmick, which has the potential to be enjoyable if executed correctly. Therein lies the problem with "Hardcore Henry" - it's all concept with no real execution. Naishuller's script must have been real short, just a few pages of exposition and then "SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!"
Tideland (2006) No stars SUMMARY: Bafflingly awful adaptation of the Mitch Cullin novel from typically-visionary director Terry Gilliam.
Reviewer: Joe Lozito
"(In "Tideland") Jeff Bridges and Jennifer Tilly are nearly unrecognizable (and possibly with good reason) as Jeliza-Rose's criminally-negligent parents. Scenes of the young girl preparing heroin injections for her father are as close as this film comes to witty black comedy. It's all downhill from there. I didn't think I'd miss Ms. Tilly's shrill harridan, but halfway through the film's overlong 122 minutes, as Jeliza-Rose begins an uneasy (for the audience) relationship with the mentally-challenged Dickens (Brendan Fletcher, also unrecognizable), I would have welcomed her back."
Thrillers? We didn't think so
Taken 2 (2012) 1 star SUMMARY: If the first "Taken" was lazy, this sequel is the logical (or illogical) next step.
Reviewer: Mark Grady
"The majority of the blame for "Taken 2" rests squarely on the shoulders of writers Luc Besson ("The Fifth Element") and Robert Mark Kamen (also "The Fifth Element"). Simply put, the screenplay is terrible. Just terrible. The screenplay, as shot, plays like a first draft. It has some potential but there are many obvious changes that could have and should have been made in the first few scenes that would make more sense out of the events that follow. In some cases the simple insertion of one line would have tied things together, but Messrs. Besson and Kamen didn't bother, perhaps hoping that the director would smooth things over. And, to his great credit, the appropriately-named Olivier Megaton ("Columbiana") nearly does. Unfortunately, like so many other action directors these days, he clearly doesn't believe in the use of wide shots, and his work suffers for it. As to his ability to direct character scenes, it's hard to say, because there aren't any."
Shark Night 3D (2011) No stars SUMMARY: How could this movie be so unconscionably bad - so inept in every way - that it actually makes "Jaws: The Revenge" redeemable?
Reviewer: Joe Lozito
"Where "Shark Night" really goes off the rails is in the explanation for the sharks (yes, plural) being in the lake. I won't go into it here because (a) I can't bring myself to think about it any more, and (b) it doesn't make any sense. Suffice to say, you almost can't blame the uniformly poor actors when they're saddled with such ridiculous exposition. I never thought I'd look back on the horrendous "Piranha 3D" and think, "wow, those guys really knew what they were doing."
Running with the Devil (2019) 1 star SUMMARY: An uncharacteristically reserved Nic Cage performance may be the most intriguing part of this crime drama that digs into the cocaine trade but still ends up feeling shallow.
Reviewer: Neil Danner
"A film putting Nicolas Cage and Lawrence Fishburne together onscreen sounds like the kind of adventure that you would need to sign a waiver before watching. Unfortunately for thrill-seeking viewers, "Running with the Devil" is in reality a surprisingly flat experience, lacking even a true protagonist to root for."
The Island (2005) No stars SUMMARY: Relentlessly stupid clone thriller is a new low for both director Michael Bay and the art of blatant product placement.
Reviewer: Joe Lozito
"Even the best chase scene in "The Island," which finds our heroes rolling huge spindles off the back of a moving flatbed, suffers from the "why doesn't the driver just stop the truck?!" question. And how is it possible that in a climactic scene, when the heroine is in the clutches of the villains, she simply produces a gun from her belt and blasts her way out. Are you telling me no one frisked her?! How is it possible that none of the talent surrounding this film asked any of these questions? And that's just two examples in a very long list."
