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Vampy on Board

Reviewing "Twilight" movies is difficult, because they aren't films as much they are big-budget visualizations of the Stephenie Meyer novels. Like the "Harry Potter" movies, they're a visual extension of the books, giving readers additional fodder for their fantasies, and money to fuel cottage industries. But unlike the cinematic wizarding saga, the quality of the "Twilight" films haven't improved over time. Still, there are plenty who will flock to see the awkwardly-titled penultimate film, "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1". And whether you buy into it, or find it laughable, there's plenty here to satisfy.

The film begins with human Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) about to marry her vampire sweetheart, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). Despite their (literally) undying love, Bella's anxiety gets the best of her. In one of many unintentionally hilarious moments, she has a nightmare of standing with Edward atop a cake made of dead and bloodied wedding guests.

Fret not, dear tweens, for the wedding goes off (mostly) without a hitch. The nuptials give a chance for the saga's most reasonable characters — Charlie Swan, Bella's cop father (Billy Burke) and Bella's best frenemy, Jessica (the brilliant Anna Kendrick) — to hold court and give the best (and bitchiest) lines in the film. Unfortunately, they don't stick around long enough to ground the film, and the audience is flung straight into the arms of melodramatic teenage fantasy.

Wedding, schmedding. What audiences really want to see is Bella and Edward finally getting down to business on their Brazilian honeymoon. They do the deed — trashing their bedroom in the process — but Edward avoids contact with Bella afterward, for fear of hurting his fragile human bride with his vampire strength. Edward's superhuman restraint and Bella's sexual frustration makes for a fairly chaste and uncomfortable romantic getaway. Despite the real-life relationship between Stewart and Pattinson, there's an odd lack of chemistry between the two during the love scenes, which may make some viewers as frustrated as Bella.

Still, once is enough to get Bella improbably knocked-up with vampire spawn. The baby is growing at an exponential rate, and might possibly kill her before she can give birth. The film never explains how this is possible (and it's only half-explained in the book), but, like most of the film, one has to force oneself into a suspension of disbelief. You either have to give in and go with it, or revel in the ridiculousness.

The newlyweds return home to figure out what to do, and jilted werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner) takes a break from moping long enough to discover Bella's secret. The gestating "abomination" soon triggers panic among the Quileute wolf pack. Jacob has to decide whether to follow his wolf pack, or to side with the Cullens to protect Bella and the baby.

While the baby grows, the Cullens and wolves growl at and fight one other, making cheesy pronouncements that illicit more laughs than intended. We get a similarly silly peek into the collective mind of the wolf pack, awkwardly rendered in slipshod CGI as they romp through a forest straight out of a Thomas Kinkade painting. What isn't so funny is the more effective CGI that renders Bella's disturbing decline to little more than skin and bones. Her jutting bones and sunken eyes, as well as a fairly graphic birth scene, add a real discomfort not borne of cheesy lines and wooden deliveries.

Again, it's hard to review "Breaking Dawn" as a standalone film, because so much of it depends on the mindset of the audience. Fans of "Twilight" will eat it up, regardless of the quality. Those who like "bad" movies will also find something to sink their teeth into, as there is plenty here to poke fun at. It's oddly satisfying on both counts, while, as a film, it's as clumsy and awkward as Bella. I can hardly wait for Part 2.