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Cloning Around

The degeneration of the "Star Wars" saga continues unabated with "Star Wars: The Clone Wars", the latest, most kid-friendly Lucas-produced assault on the memory of the once-beloved franchise. Covering the same general timeframe as 2004's far superior Cartoon Network "micro-series", "Star Wars: Clone Wars" - which was blessed by Lucas but was notably created without his involvement - this "Clone Wars" takes place between the schmaltzy "Episode II - Attack of the Clones" and the anti-climactic "Episode III - Revenge of the Sith" and continues to capitalize on a brief reference from 1977's trampled-on original film (Luke to Obi-Wan: "You fought in the Clone Wars?").

What has become more and more clear over time is that the war's moniker is something of a misnomer. If the clones - which are the precursors to the dreaded stormtroopers of episodes IV-VI - are the good guys, and the sub-moronic droids (they're even stupider in this movie) are the baddies, shouldn't it be called The Droid War? Or at the very least The Droid-Clone War?

But no matter. Naming is definitely not what you'd call a series strength. "The Clone Wars" introduces characters with names like General Loathsom and Ziro the Hutt to add to the dubious ranks of Jar Jar Binks and Count Dooku. Those orbicular Hutts figure prominently in "Clone Wars"; what there is of a plot revolves around the kidnapping of Jabba the Hutt's infant son. His name? Rotta the Huttlet. Let the "chicken huttlet" jokes begin.

Worse yet, Anakin Skywalker (whose animated incarnation is actually more expressive than Hayden Christensen) refers to his padawan apprentice, an orange-hued "youngling" with attitude, as "Snips" (y'see, she gets all snippy with him). Her name for him? "Sky-guy". No, really. If that isn't enough, they lovingly call baby Rotta "Stinky". If you think there's a belching joke lurking in here somewhere, you're right.

You're probably starting to get the idea that "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" is a kid's movie. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But it's one of those kid's movies that panders rather than caters to its audience. Even the trademark "Star Wars" opening space scrawl is jettisoned in favor of an odd newsreel-esque voice-over (we wouldn't want kids to have to read).

In a season when Pixar proved with "Wall-E" that it could make a great film essentially about droids, "Clone Wars" appears even more insulting. The animation is video game-quality, which is fine for the planet-scapes, but only distracts in human form. And it further calls attention to the fact that the recent "Star Wars" prequels were little more than video games. It's clear that Lucas has almost achieved his dream of doing away with live actors altogether.

The characters, again, are either non-existent or forgettable; the only ones worth following are the ones you remember fondly from the original series (Yoda, Obi-Wan, etc). The voice actors do what they can with the monosyllabic dialogue - most amusingly James Arnold Taylor, whose Obi-Wan is a riff on Ewan McGregor, who was already aping Sir Alec Guiness. As with any copy-of-a-copy, it loses something along the way.

But the strangest moment, vocal or otherwise, has to be the unveiling of Ziro the Hutt, a fey, tattooed blob with a voice (by Corey Burton) hovering somewhere between Truman Capote and Harvey Fierstein. When future generations attempt to pinpoint the final nail in the coffin of this franchise, they will use Ziro.

There was a time, not such a long time ago, when the "Star Wars" trilogy inspired a generation - not just with groundbreaking effects but with memorable characters and stories. Those days may finally be gone. Though "The Clone Wars" is essentially one long battle sequence, and there are echoes in the camerawork of recent sci-fi triumphs like "Battlestar Galactica", the "Star Wars" heyday is behind us. And it truly seems far, far away.