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Lame Squeeze

While most of the country is literally trying to dig out from under record snow and ice, Hollywood offers us this bit of escapism: "Sanctum", a "real-life" action-thriller about a rag-tag band of adventurers trying to make their way out of a cave system in freezing water. And in 3D, no less. Exactly what we needed to cure the winter doldrums, thanks.

Produced by James Cameron, "Sanctum" promises breathtaking (pun intended) underwater camera work (did I mention it's in 3D?) and a high-tension, heart-pounding tale of survival. But while the audience may squirm in their seats, it's not due to the close camera work or the tight subterranean passages, but to the laughable accents, cheesy plot, and dialogue so wooden the characters could burn it to keep warm.

Australian actor Richard Roxburgh ("Moulin Rouge") stars as Frank, a roguish, modern-day explorer mapping an uncharted cave system in Papua New Guinea. His son, Josh (Rhys Wakefield) has been dragged along on these expeditions since he was a young-un. And though he hates caving with a fiery passion, he's quite the rock climber (and that's pretty much all there is to Josh). Needless to say, there is a lot of tension between hard-ass Frank and mopey Josh, tension that only increases when the expedition's flashy money man, Carl (Ioan Gruffudd), shows up with his climber girlfriend in tow (Alice Parkinson). While down in the cave system, a typhoon bears down upon the island, filling the caves with water and blocking their way out. Their only escape is to try and find their way through the caves to the ocean.

Cameron's cachet from underwater extravaganzas like "The Abyss" and "Titanic" - not to mention several documentaries and IMAX features - may be enough to draw people into the theater, but they will certainly be disappointed. While the fact that the cast did many of their own stunts is certainly admirable, director Alister Grierson does little to build tension or suspense in the film. The only anxiety the audience might feel is whether or not they can make it to the bathroom after watching people thrash around in swirling water for an hour.

Despite the "true story" slant and Cameron's pedigree, "Sanctum" is basically a slicker version of a movie you might see on, say, the SyFy channel. Ioan Gruffudd is one of those actors who can perform beautifully in his own vernacular (see "Amazing Grace", for example), but give him an American accent and he's a living cartoon character - all bluster and over-pronounced Rs. He sounds dubbed - and badly dubbed at that. The rest of the cast, mostly Australian, is more natural, but it's hard when you're forced to spout gems like, "Carl plays by his own rules" and "Life's not a dress rehearsal; you've got to seize the day."

"Sanctum" is yet another example of why 3D is no substitute for good filmmaking. Even if the 3D had been done well (which it hasn't), it could hardly save the film from falling into a pit of forgettable winter flicks.