Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief Review
By Karen Dahlstrom
Myth Behavior
Oh hey, it's that movie from the book series about the ordinary kid who discovers he has supernatural powers. The latest installment of "Harry Potter"? "The Twilight Saga"? No, those titles aren't nearly long enough. It's "Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief". Based on the books by Rick Riordan and directed by occasional "Potter" helmer, Chris Columbus, "Percy Jackson" is kind of like "Harry Potter", but with Greek gods instead of wizards, and cheap gags instead of wit.
According to Greek mythology, the gods are less benevolent beings than drunk college kids who treat the mortal world like their own Spring Break. As a result, scores of their half-mortal love children (called demi-gods) are roaming around with no idea of their divine origin. One such tyke is Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman), a beetle-browed, doe-eyed teen, living in New York with his mother, Sally (Catherine Keener), and boorish step-dad (Joe Pantoliano). Percy doesn't seem to fit in anywhere, except the water. Hardly surprising, since he's the son of Poseidon, god of the sea (Kevin McKidd).
When he's framed for stealing the lightning bolt of Zeus (Sean Bean), Percy (short for Perseus) discovers that not only is he a demi-god, but that his best friend, Grover (Brandon T. Jackson), is actually a satyr assigned to protect him and his wheelchair-bound teacher, Mr. Brunner (Pierce Brosnan) is a centaur named Chiron. (Oh, and mom's a bit of a toga chaser.)
On the run from mythological beasties, Percy makes his way to the subtly named Camp Half Blood, an upstate training ground for demi-gods. There, Olympian teens are given special "hero" training, which consists mainly of dressing like "Xena" extras and clumsily hacking each other with swords. (Except for the bikini-clad daughters of Aphrodite, whose curriculum is primarily hot tub-based.)
At camp, Percy meets Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario), a willful daughter of Athena and the dashing Luke (Jake Abel), son of Hermes. Percy quickly runs afoul of one and befriends the other during a brutal game of Capture the Flag. But Percy is only beginning to discover his powers when Hades (Steve Coogan) arrives, demanding the lightning bolt in exchange for Sally (held prisoner in the underworld).
Against Chiron's advice, Percy and Grover sneak off to save Sally. Annabeth tags along, tired of training and longing for real battle experience. On their way to the underworld, they encounter Medusa (Uma Thurman) and various semi-clever references to Greek myths, but primarily they take us on the most annoying road trip ever: one clunky, deafening set piece after another; moony, too-pretty teens; uninspired musical cues; irritating jive satyr commentary that makes Donkey from "Shrek" seem like a stimulating conversationalist.
Though the Greek god twist is interesting, the film is never allowed to really dig into the mythology, nor do we have time (or desire) to get to know the characters. Screenwriter Craig Titley peppers the film with "Hannah Montana"-level repartee and not much insight. (You can almost hear the canned laugh track.) Columbus proves why his role as "Harry Potter" series director has been usurped by more skillful, interesting filmmakers, as he pummels the audience with effect after effect without a break — and without adding much to the story.
Without the story, Percy and his friends seem less like heroes and more like the vaguely bland, pretty people one would find on your average CW show. Hardly worthy of god-like status. Or anyone's time. Maybe this weekend would be a good time to hit the bookstore instead.
