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"Grey" Expectations

The most shocking thing about the big-screen adaptation of E.L. James' shlocky novel, "Fifty Shades of Grey", isn't Christian Grey's Red Room of Pain - it's that it isn't that bad. Stylishly shot and funny at times (both intentionally and unintentionally), the film is a huge step up from the book's excruciating prose. But that's not to say it's good. Even the valiant efforts of director Sam Taylor-Johnson and star Dakota Johnson can't redeem all the plot horrors of James' bondage-themed romance.

Johnson plays Anastasia ("Ana") Steele, a comely but naive college student. As a favor to her sick roommate, she agrees to go to Seattle to interview the mysterious billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). They meet when Ana literally falls through the door of Christian's office - a trope that should be retired forever. Awkward Ana is in awe of the smartly-suited Mr. Grey. Christian looks at Ana much like a cat would a juicy mouse. After a fidgety, lower-lip biting interview, the die is cast.

Christian begins their courtship by stalking Ana back to Portland - never a good sign. Nor is it a good sign when he buys a selection of ropes, tapes and zip ties from Ana at the hardware store where she works. After much back and forth ("I'm not good for you, but I can't stay away", etc.), Christian reveals what he wants: For Ana to be his sexual submissive.

Though Ana is, shall we say, inexperienced with men, she is intrigued enough to play Christian's sexy games. And so, we enter Christian's luxuriously-appointed "playroom." The sex scenes (of which there are many) are surprisingly tame - even tasteful - given the proliferation of pornographic passages in James' book. Johnson is frequently topless, while Grey's fans will have to be satisfied with only Dornan's bare chest and behind. No full-frontal here, ladies. (I know you were going to ask, so let's move on, shall we?)

The problem with "Fifty Shades of Grey" isn't in the portrayal of BDSM, it's in James' egregiously irresponsible attitude toward Ana and Christian's relationship. Consent is one thing, intimidation is another. "Fifty Shades of Grey" began as "Twilight" fan fiction, and it shows. James may have replaced vampires with whips and chains, but all the players are basically the same: mousy heroine, a boyfriend who stalks her and controls her "for her own good" - even a friend who pines in vain for her. And like "Twilight", the story romanticizes, even glorifies, an emotionally manipulative, abusive relationship.

Director Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel ("Saving Mr. Banks") do their best to right this wrong, by skewing the film away from the "romance" aspect and more toward Ana's free agency and exploration of her own boundaries. Dakota Johnson does the film a huge service by making Ana likable and relatable. Her natural charm and soft-spoken delivery echoes that of her mother, Melanie Griffith, but Johnson has a keener sense of comedic timing. She seems like a real person, even as she's pulled into this fantasy life.

By contrast, Dornan plays Christian pretty much as written. He's a cipher, a silk tie rather than a person, conveying his emotions only through subtle eye-narrowing or jaw-clenching. His opaque performance seems like a subtle dig at the women who inexplicably wish their husbands would be more like Christian Grey. He's not some misunderstood tragic hero, just waiting to be reformed by "the right" woman's love. He's a sociopath.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to spice things up this Valentine's Day, but this film is not the best way to go. The sexiest thing about "Fifty Shades of Grey" is the soundtrack, featuring suitably breathy songs by the likes of Sia, Beyoncé and Jessie Ware. So instead of watching the movie this weekend, download some tracks, buy a riding crop and handcuffs (or whatever you find mutually enjoyable as consenting adults) and make your own romance.