Big Picture Big Sound

I have to say I'm getting a little tired of all this whining about illegal downloading being the cause of Hollywood's lackluster box office grosses. Why don't we be honest here and admit what the real problem is: there's nothing to see. So far this year, Hollywood has churned out the worst crop of films in recent memory. I mean, you've heard me say this before: I go see a lot of movies. A ton. I have to; I feel I have a certain responsibility to my readers. But lately, I've been hard-pressed to find even one movie to review per week.

OK, so this past week I had "V for Vendetta" and, nerd that I am, I was actually looking forward to that. The fact that it was not entirely disappointing was a nice surprise. However, journey back in time with me to March 10th. What were my choices that week? "Failure to Launch"? A romantic comedy so ill-conceived the writers actually put "Failure" in the title. I was tempted to see it only to use the word "Failure" in my review (that's what we in the business call a "gimme").

Assuming I skipped that one, which I did, I could have feasted my eyes on "Ask the Dust", the Colin Farrell/Salma Hayek neo-noir vehicle directed by "Chinatown" scribe Robert Towne. I have to admit I was somewhat intrigued by this one solely for Mr. Towne's pedigree, but the idea of watching Ms. Hayek in yet another "fiery Mexican" role and Mr. Farrell playing an Italian (!) of all things had me running in the other direction.

Other than that, I could have gone to see a remake of Wes Craven's 1977 shocker "The Hills Have Eyes". Of course, then I would have been a complete jackass.

Ok, so nothing there. How about a week earlier, March 3rd. Eureka! A goldmine here. A full three (count 'em: three!) movies to see. Two of which - "16 Blocks" and "Dave Chappelle's Block Party" - were more than a little enjoyable. The fact that I not only went to see, but was eager for, "Ultraviolet" says more about my own questionable tastes than the lackluster movie season.

A week earlier and we're back into February when the Paul Walker dud "Running Scared" premiered (couldn't anyone think of a title that wasn't used by Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines in the 80s?). Whatever, as long as they stop showing that trailer. I chose to skip that one as well as something called "Doogal".

Let's go back a week earlier (if we dare) to February 17. A week with premieres so lame, I was actually eager to see the low budget teen horror flick "Tamara". Sadly, it only opened in limited release and I couldn't find a convenient theater (no, really). Which left me with the would-be parody "Date Movie", which didn't even have a funny moment in its trailer, and yet another Paul Walker movie (somebody explain that one to me), "Eight Below".

Ok, February 10th brought us "Curious George" and "Final Destination 3" (so much for "final"), as well as the remake no one's been waiting for, "The Pink Panther". I couldn't scrape up the desire to suffer through any of those. Worse still, I didn't even choose to attend "Firewall", and I'll usually watch Harrison Ford in anything. Of course, this is probably because, while I haven't seen the movie, I could tell you exactly what happens from miles away. I did, however, sample "Something New" just in the hopes that it might live up to its title. It came close. Meanwhile, in the "something old" department, I had the misfortune to suffer through the remake of "When a Stranger Calls" just because I'm a sucker for a good "the call is coming from inside the house" moment.

Continuing back in time, we're well into the cinematic dead zone known as January - the time when Hollywood, weary after racing to meet the year-end Oscar deadline, dumps its garbage faster than a Star Destroyer jumping into hyperspace. Did anyone, and I mean anyone, race to see "Hostel", "Underworld: Evolution" or "Nanny McPhee"? Yeah, I thought so. Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear offered a mild diversion in "The Matador", but Albert Brooks could barely find a laugh while "Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World".

Looking back at the cavalcade of dreck that has been the 2006 movie season thus far, do you really think it's illegal downloading that's causing the decline in box office grosses? Hollywood should be so lucky. They can't even come up with a movie I'd want to waste my bandwidth downloading, let alone paying $10 for.

So take heart, dear moviegoer, and don't believe the hype. You've been taken for granted long enough and I feel your pain. Don't settle for less. Take a page out of a great film of decades past, go to your window and scream, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore". That's from "Network", by the way, in case you didn't know. That, and many other quality films, are available on DVD. While you eagerly await the release of "Superman Returns" this summer, why not pick up some past classic and be transported back to a time when there was actually something worth seeing in the theater?