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Wizard of Blahs

It's hot outside.
Not everyone has air conditioning.

I'm convinced that it's on the merit of these two statements alone that "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (directed by Jon Turteltaub) was ever funded. Noisy, predictable, full of overdone special effects: there's not much to recommend this big budget fantasy that Nicolas Cage both starred in and co-executive produced.

The movie begins with a complicated back-story. The great sorcerer Merlin has been slain by the evil Morgana, leaving his apprentices - Balthazar (Cage) and Veronica (Monica Bellucci) - to avenge his death and put an end to her scheming. A third apprentice, Horvath (Alfred Molina), has become a Morganian (if you're important they name your followers after you) and is in on her evil plotting. Cue a magical battle in which Morgana, now fused with Veronica, ends up in an oversized Russian nesting doll and Balthazar is charged to hunt for the child who will be able to stop the madness once and for all: the (wait for it)... Prime Merlinian. Yes. The Prime Merlinian.

Fast forward to contemporary New York. After centuries of searching, and many more layers of sorcerers trapped in the doll (including Horvath), Balthazar meets his Merlinian in ten-year-old David Stutler (Jake Cherry), but that doesn't go so well, as one of the first things the kid does is set Horvath free. Not for long, though, as Horvath and Balthazar both are almost immediately imprisoned in an urn for ten years...

... at which point we finally meet up with an older David (Jay Baruchel): a dweeby NYU physics student, who keeps a giant Tesla coil in the enormous subway turn-around he somehow has exclusive access to. Still following? Balthazar catches up to him, explains the prophecy and we can all guess what happens from there.

A credited half dozen writers were thrown at the script, but clearly not even that could fix it - the story gets even sillier from there. There are only a few good lines, and all are given to Horvath's expendible henchman, Drake Stone (Toby Kebbell). The expensive special effects are similarly boring, completely lacking in imagination: apparently all it takes to summon forth magic is a clear mind, a dramatic pose and wizardy jazz hands - oh, and ugly shoes. To top it off, the movie is so loud you wonder if the soundtrack is meant to distract from what's going on on-screen.

The filmmakers do nod to the "Fantasia" namesake, with a scene in which David tries to get his cleaning supplies to tidy up for him before a big date. Here they do preserve the spirit of the original, though in spite of what the trailers might tell you, it's really the only link to the animated Disney classic.

If you're looking to get the kids out of the house for a couple hours, this may be just the thing - though there are better options this summer. The Buzz Lightyear doll on young David's nightstand reminds the audience in the first five minutes of the movie that "Toy Story 3" is also an option. Might be wise to take that as a cue: go see that movie instead.