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"Something" Blew

Chick flicks come in many shapes and sizes. There are those like the inimitable "When Harry Met Sally": the quintessential romantic comedy. There are the heavy ones, like "The English Patient". There are the classics, like "Pride and Prejudice" and of course "Jane Eyre". And then there's the swill. "Something Borrowed" is the swill: a trainwreck of a film that teaches all the wrong lessons and manages to be thoroughly annoying while doing so.

I don't expect a lot from my chick flicks. In fact, I will freely admit that there are movies of this genre that I like, but that are truly awful. Sure, I recognize this. I'm the demographic and I am not immune. My happily ever after fantasies are alive and well. Would I complain if I met a really hot man who loved me for myself despite all of my flaws, and ultimately wanted to spend the rest of his life with me? Well, duh. "Something Borrowed" tries to take you there, to the place where the hot guy might leave his hot fiancee for the nice girl. Unfortunately, it trips all over itself in the process.

Bookish, shy and painfully self-deprecating, Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin) is not the kind of person to put herself first. Her best friend, the lively, narcissistic and thoroughly obnoxious Darcy (Kate Hudson) is exactly the kind of person to put herself first. That these two are friends at all is a little surprising. That they're best friends, and have been since babyhood, is ridiculous. I'm not sure anyone would want to spend more than five minutes with Darcy. She takes what she wants and steps all over Rachel and doesn't even have charm to redeem her.

Darcy is engaged to Dex (Colin Egglesfield), who is Hot. It's a point that's made several times. Dex is Hot. Darcy is Hot. Rachel is Not Hot. Either is Ethan (John Krasinski), who is the only person who seems to be able to see through all of this silliness about Hotness at all. You see, Rachel is sure she could never get a guy like Dex, because he's So Hot, which is why her best friend gets to have him. It's like Junior High but with 30-year-olds. Only none of it makes sense, honestly, because Kate Hudson is not really even that much hotter than Ginnifer Goodwin, but whatever. Roll with it.

The film pretty much starts with Dex and Rachel sleeping together, and follows the quartet through the next few months as their relationships get more and more strained. Darcy is an idiot, so of course she is mostly oblivious to what's going on. Or maybe too self-absorbed to notice. Ethan, who is Rachel's real best friend, gets exasperated, makes really good points about why they're all being stupid and is way more understanding about the situation than most people would be.

It's all ridiculous, though. Why would anyone ever choose Darcy over anyone? Why is Dex such a wuss about the whole thing? And how on Earth can Rachel eat burgers at Shake Shack so often and look as good as she does??

Speaking of Shake Shack, the film is a love letter to a romanticized New York. Writers Jennie Snyder (screenplay) and Emily Giffin (novel) have set the story firmly in the City and the Hamptons and director Luke Greenfield has completely bought into it. And laid it on thick. Too thick.

In the end, it's so hard to relate to any of the characters that it's difficult to care what happens to them. In spite of John Krasinski's heroic efforts to dig everyone out of this mess, you just want it to end. You want Darcy to stop talking and being such an attention slut, and you want to shake Rachel and tell her to get a better best friend. And a life. Oh well, at least it's short. I never thought there would come a day when I'd prefer a Fast and Furious movie over a chick flick, but from one chick flick loving girl to another, spend the weekend with Vin. He's not Prince Charming but at least he's consistent.