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Snore of the Roses

Cheryl Hines meant well, she clearly did, but Adrienne Shelly's last movie really should have been the sweet-as-pie "Waitress." Instead, after Shelly's brutal murder at the age of 40, Hines took her last script, for "Serious Moonlight," directed it and released it posthumously. There's no denying that it was a kind thing to do, a final act of compassion for her fallen friend. But you know what they say about the road to hell.

"Serious Moonlight" is, simply put, a heap of horrific. It's like the more-spastic, humorless offspring of "I Love You To Death" and "War Of The Roses." There's an undercurrent of maddening ugliness throughout, the kind that even the least-shallow person couldn't help but notice. It's about a successful New York lawyer (Meg Ryan) who finds out that her husband of 13 years (Timothy Hutton) is planning to leave her for a much-younger blonde (Kristen Bell). Not going to happen, she decides, and then holds him hostage in hopes of making him see that their marriage is worth saving.

That involves hurling a flower pot at his head (twice), taping him to a toilet, sealing his mouth shut, baking him his favorite cookies, showing him a slide show of happy photos from years past - and so forth. It's all incredibly romantic for those who think stalking is an underrated art form. And if that's not horrifying enough, his mistress shows up and has a few fits, and a shaggy gardener (Justin Long) takes matters into his own hands, along with whatever expensive items he can find in their home.

"Serious Moonlight" is an unfortunate waste of time, both for everyone in the movie and for those stuck watching it. Hines has amazing comic timing, as she displays time and time again on "Curb Your Enthusiasm," but you'd never know it from her directorial debut. There is nothing funny about this film, from Ryan's jarring way of hanging up a phone ("kiss kiss kiss!") to Hutton's pitiful lines like "I'm a loser on a toilet." If cruelty, failed humor and shameless excess make you giddy, then by all means, check out "Serious Moonlight."