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Bard to Death

Quick refresher: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are the two courtiers who are charged with luring Hamlet to his execution in Shakespeare's classic tragedy. In the play, the great Dane gets one over on them (rather easily) by rewriting the King's orders and having the ill-fated duo killed in his stead. These minor characters were given their moment in the spotlight by Tom Stoppard, whose 1966 play "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead" retold "Hamlet" as an existential nightmare in which the duo's fates were already sealed (hence the title). And now, perhaps as a result of the popularity of "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and other literary monster mash-ups, writer-director Jordan Galland brings us "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead", a clever title desperately in search of a movie to back it up.

In reality, the film has little to do with the titular pair. Instead, it follows Julian Marsh (Jake Hoffman, son of Dustin and an affable comic presence), a New York City slacker and improbable ladies' man (sorry, Jake) living in his father's medical office. Julian is recruited to direct an off-off-Broadway play called, you guessed it, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead". It turns out, the play's writer, Theo Horace (John Ventimiglia), is a master vampire who plans to turn his actresses into vampire brides. Seems like a long way to go for a date. But Theo also may or may not be the real Horatio from the original "Hamlet". Got all that? There's also a (painful) subplot involving Ralph Macchio as a Mafioso stereotype hawking a type of Purell water-gun. (Is it a coincidence that this film is released on the same weekend as the "Karate Kid" remake? I think not!)

With subtitles like "Job Interview with a Vampire" and "Long Day's Journey into Fright" (though no "To Breathe or not To Breathe"? Come on!), it's clear Mr. Galland has his funny bone in the right place. The film has a fairly clever setup, but there's far too much time spent on Julian pining for his ex-girlfriend (Devon Aoki, lost), and some early exposition involving Julian's wacky best friend nearly sends the film to an early grave. Thankfully, it's reanimated when production of the play-within-a-play begins, thanks largely to Mr. Ventimiglia, whose neck- and scenery-chewing give the film an injection of energy.

Mr. Galland aims for the type of brain-twisting meta-plot that Charlie Kaufman has all but monopolized in films like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and "Adaptation". Mr. Kaufman makes it look easy. It's not. There are some cute moments and much wordplay (Julian's girlfriend "sucks the life out of you") but "Undead" is never more than the sum of its one-liners. And even at 85 minutes - about a third the length of most Shakespeare productions - "Undead" quickly runs out of life.