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Grim Fairy Tale

Chances are that you grew up hearing some version of the story of Hansel and Gretel. Originally published in the early 1800s as part of the iconic "Grimm's Fairy Tales" collection, Hansel & Gretel is the short, occasionally nasty story of two abandoned children left to fend for themselves in the woods; they stumble across a candy house, are kidnapped by a witch, and eventually escape by shoving her into the oven to burn to death. You don't need a lot of backstory to get the gist of the tale, and you aren't really left wondering how these kids will fare as adults - unless maybe you're a child psychologist with a penchant for German folklore and a lot of time on your hands.

"Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters" attempts to answer the unasked question of what happens to these two characters after the fairy tale ends. Given this, the film hits the big screen already a couple of points behind: it's telling a story that you don't particularly need to hear, and it's attempting to round out characters that originated more or less as object lessons for a nineteenth-century audience. These deficits could be overcome by approaching the story with a knowing wit, or by infusing it with a manic energy that takes everything over the top. Sadly, "H & G" is generally mediocre in its approach - there's competence here, but no flair, and no sense of fun.

The basics: grown-up siblings Hansel (Jeremy Renner, "The Town") and Gretel (Gemma Arterton, "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time") have become proto-bounty hunters, traipsing from town to town, apparently in rural Germany, in search of witches to kill. They're kitted out in black leather, toting steampunk-esque weapons and generally speaking - and cursing - like they just stepped out of 2012. They arrive in one particular hamlet just in time to halt the execution of Mina (Pihla Viitala), who's suspected of witchcraft. Hansel argues in her defense, basically declaring that she's too pretty to be a witch. That's a tepid setup for romance, but given the generally pedestrian nature of H & G's story structure, you can bet that these two will end up together at some point. Meanwhile, Gretel connects with Ben (Thomas Mann, "Project X"), who proves to be a groupie of sorts, coming equipped with a massive scrapbook outlining Hansel and Gretel's previous witch-killing exploits. But enough about that: there's witch-hunting to get to, and though the duo is opposed by devious Sheriff Berringer (Peter Stormare, noticeably marble-mouthed here), they manage to back into a plot by local witch Muriel (Famke Janssen, "X-Men") to kidnap the town's children and cast a spell that makes witches fireproof. Or something like that.

"Hansel and Gretel's" runtime is about an hour and a half, but there are stretches where it seems endless. The film is inconsistent in tone, with elements that feel like incidental quirks (ex: Hansel's a diabetic: too much candy-eating during his stint as a kidnap victim) being played for big dramatic moments during the climax, and lines that reveal plot points or aid character development being mumbled or thrown away completely. A love scene between Hansel and Mina feels tacked-on and awkward, while there are moments between Hansel and Gretel where the energy is not quite brotherly/sisterly. Upon closer consideration, this seems less like an intentional stab at adding interesting subtext, and more like wandering attention on the part of the two stars.

"Hansel and Gretel" is available in 3D, but there's no particular reason to seek it out in that format - or, frankly, in any format. This take on the Hansel and Gretel story certainly lives up to its "grim" legacy - just not in a way that's likely to entertain you.