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Sword to Tears

There was a time when the name Conan evoked not a red-headed comedian but fear. Ok, maybe not fear - but at least the image of a hulking, muscly Austrian slicing through foes with a broadsword. Those times were the early 80s. And Conan was a character - famously embodied by a young Arnold Schwarzenegger - introduced in 1932 by Robert E. Howard. Arnold went on to portray Conan in two increasingly disappointing movies: 1982's amusing "Conan the Barbarian" and 1984's godawful "Conan the Destroyer".

But Conan, the character, lived on in comic form (the Cimmerian warrior himself would be proud to be the stuff of legend), so it only seems appropriate in this Age of the Origin Story that the franchise is rebooted - in 3D - on the big screen. Sadly, this new "Conan the Barbarian" is a misfire in every way; a noisy, incomprehensible mess of a film that almost makes worse use of the character than it does of the 3D technology.

Borrowing heavily from far better films, the script - by Thomas Dean Donnelly & Joshua Oppenheimer and Sean Hood - opens with a Morgan Freeman-esque voice-over depicting the battle for an evil, magic ring...er, I mean, mask that can control the world. The mask is smashed and the pieces are given to separate tribes. Naturally, there is a prophecy that - yawn - what? Anyway, cut to a battle sequence in which Ron Perlman performs an ad hoc Caesarian on his dentally-perfect wife. Out comes Conan - born in battle! Cute idea, but sorry, J.J. Abrams did it better in his rebooted "Star Trek".

Moving on, Conan is a precocious kid who can dispatch a gang of uglies while holding a bird egg in his mouth. Not a terrible start, but then the voice-over comes back and - whoosh - Conan is now Jason Momoa (Khal Drogo from "Games of Thrones"). I can't believe I'm saying this, but the original "Conan" movie handled this transformation more elegantly (something about the child being forced to push a wheel around until he becomes Arnold).

It seems Conan has been searching high and low for the man that killed his father (FYI, it's Stephen Lang, from "Avatar"), and after a few nonsensical battle scenes, the barbarian is hot on his trail. It seems the bad guy has a sorceress for a daughter (Rose McGowan) and here we have the film's only redeeming feature. Yes, maybe it's a function of our would-be enlightened society, but somewhere between the original movie and today, the female characters have emerged as the only bright spot in the "Conan" movies. Ms. McGowan - who clearly deserves better - is a campy joy in razor-nails, wedge heels and leather. And on the other side of the coin, Rachel Nichols manages to acquit herself quite well as Mr. Momoa's (har) love interest. In an anachronistic feminist sorta way, she makes you understand how she might be attracted to that huge piece of beefcake - leading to one of the most laughable (and hairiest!) sex scenes in memory. Seriously, it's like a shampoo ad.

And at the center of it all is Mr. Momoa, who makes it clear that "Game of Thrones" was already a career high. Speeding through his lines like a newbie on a CW series, the actor not only fails to generate the necessary gravitas to match his physical heft, but can't even be bothered, it seems, to show concern. He actually makes you look back and wonder what Mr. Schwarzenegger did so right. Yes, despite its self-important ending, this "Conan" is already a destroyer - of its own franchise.